What do you do when someone “rubs you the wrong way”? When you are “minding your own business” and someone comes along and makes an offensive remark how do you respond?

Recently I was watching a comedy drama that I enjoy called “Monk”. The television series, now available in syndication ended in 2009. Somehow I missed the show’s original seven-year run, so I catch it when I can as a rerun. The program centers on former detective Adrian Monk and his adventures solving cases as a consultant for the San Francisco Police Department. Mr. Monk has several disorders, which make him appear quirky yet he is able to solve every mystery in one or two episodes! Mr. Monk has a unique and peculiar way of solving mysteries by analyzing the scene of the crime and the people involved, to find out how the events actually unfolded. He looks at the evidence by picking discovering clues that others seem to overlook. He knows the information is there, he expects to find it and he does. In the same way I want you to review that time when you found yourself in the throws of anger. Not looking at whose fault it was, just looking at the events á la Mr. Monk.

Think about the offensive words or actions. Think about the setting. Who was present or were you alone with the person? Is this person part of your inner circle; someone you are rather familiar with, someone with whom you had developed a level of trust? Did their words or actions seem to be a little uncomfortable at that moment and then become progressively more troubling as you thought more about what transpired? When the incident occurred did you feel: hurt, frustration, insecurity, or fear?

I recall an incident that happened many years ago that still causes me to wince a bit upon reflection. I was in the checkout line of a supermarket. I had stopped to make a purchase for someone else. The purchase required me to use a form of payment through vouchers granted to recipients of state public assistance. I was an authorized agent for this individual and was asked to make the purchase before heading home.

So there I was in the market in an area near the office where I worked. I was dressed in one of my favorite suits with heels and appropriately coiffed hair for a supervisor of note in corporate America. I had placed the items on the conveyor belt, and waited for the cashier to greet me with pleasantries. Instead she said something like, “Are you part of the ________ program”? I said, “No”, and handed her the authorization card. Her body language began to exude what I read as disgust. She abruptly asked me for my identification. As I went into my purse for my ID, I glanced at the line behind me; there were now at least 10 people when seconds ago I was the last person in line. Her register was the only one open and all eyes seemed to be on me.

This was my first time handling such a transaction and I was not aware I would need to present my identification. As I fumbled in my purse for the ID, the cashier continued to make comments like, “You people come in here and don’t have everything ready, then it holds up my line.” I attempted to say, “Well this is the first time I have used these vouchers and I was not aware of what to do so…” She cut me off and continued to make disparaging remarks. At which point I said, “Let’s both just stop before we do something we both regret.” She looked at me with eyes glaring and in a very loud voice said, “Are you threatening me?” I was totally shocked and puzzled. What I was thinking was, we would say something, ugly, that once spoken could not be retracted. My response was, “Threatening you? No, I just mean that we may say something that we can’t take back…” She broke in again calling out to another employee, “She just threatened me, can you come and handle this!” She even mentioned calling the police. I remember someone else coming over to the register to complete the transaction as she walked away with her hands flailing in the air, ranting about me. I never raised my voice at her; I never did anything that I could see remotely presented a threat to her. As soon as the transaction was completed I left that store, furious to the point of shaking!

When I look at the scene as Mr. Monk, I see the cashier was already frustrated when I entered her line. It was past her lunchtime, she was ready to take a break her register was the only one open and apparently she had some negative feelings about people who come to the store with the public assistance vouchers. I imagine she was hurt because her employer was not meeting her needs. When I entered the store I was insecure about making the purchase, because I was not sure what to do. I was fearful of how I would be looked at in this fairly affluent area calling attention to myself as possibly being in need of help (by using the vouchers). As the encounter progressed I felt hurt by the treatment I received from the cashier and the judgmental eyes I saw from others in line.

This situation may have been a perfect storm environment, whereby we both had our own emotions at a place allowing anger to easily incubate giving birth to a volatile, vengeful, unloving exchange. Were there things that she could have said and done differently? Yes! Were there things that I could have said and done differently? Yes and AMEN!

As I have played this scenario over and over again, it serves as a reminder to me how things can get out of hand, becoming so much more than anyone could have guessed! It was all about choices. In looking at the situation, I am certain you have ideas of what could have happened, you probably even have questions for me about the details of how I behaved. Before you become too judgmental of the cashier, or me focus on your last encounter with anger Mr. Monk style. The last time you felt hurt, frustrated, insecure or fearful and it turned into an inappropriate, angry exchange. Did you allow your emotions to take you too far? Did things get out of hand because you were not on guard keeping your emotions in check? When these kind of situations come up again in the future, (and they will) how will you handle it differently?

Did you find the clues?

Anger is a natural human emotion part of our DNA. How can you handle your anger in a way that leads you toward appropriate responses, responses that reflect a love for yourself and others? There are ways to release this powerful emotion appropriately on a regular basis. There are strategies that separate the offense from the offender and move to a place of positive response. It takes intentional practice with simple tools. I have a well-equipped toolbox and I am willing to share!

Take Inventory and Take Action!

Love,

Deborah

“Lighting the path to loving your neighbor as yourself.”