What does it mean to be a real mother? No matter what your gender, you have probably been called a real mother before. Interesting how terms of endearment are often tainted to mean something foul and disgusting.

As moms all over the world since the beginning of time, have carried babies in their bellies, I sense there was mostly excited wondering regarding what this little bundle would turn out to be. Even those pregnancies that were not initiated under desirable circumstances gave the expectant mom a sense of guardianship as protector. The precious cargo inside of us was dependant on us carrying them forward. What we ate or drank our disposition and our mental state are just some of the factors that had an influence on the seedling being incubated.

Since no two pregnancies are exactly alike there is no definitive model pregnancy. There are just too many contingencies, including the time of year deliver is anticipated to happen, neither is it etched in stone how to ideally carry the baby in utero. In our modern society women frequently do not even discuss what they have learned about pregnancy, or motherhood for that matter, in a way that could be helpful to other women.

Then the baby arrives. The vital statistics at the time allow you to know the gender, weight, length and generally how well they used their lungs to announce their arrival. Little attention, from that point on is focused on the mom. The changes her body is yet to encounter. Postpartum depression is rarely handled proactively. The anxiety of being able to properly take care of themselves and the little one too is generally not talked about either. The inadequacies perhaps imagined by the mom in her quiet moments are all too often made manifest during the first few weeks after birth.

Moms move forward. They do their best based on what they know and who they are. Naturally we want the best for our children, whatever that is. We want them to have more advantages than we had, less stress and more fulfillments in life. Even the offspring of rape victim, the products of incestuous relationship or those surprise pregnancies, are no exception, I believe the mother always wants more for her child.

Then they begin to toddle around, they are potty trained, experience new things, grow and begin to make decisions on their own. While the independence is anticipated, it also quickly reveals that this precious little bundle has its own will, its own needs, and its own opinions. One year becomes five, then puberty, driving, senior prom and graduation ceremony. All the moms (whether birth or surrogates) do their best with what they have. Many days that is enough. Many days that is not enough. As this willful individual matures he or she makes the determination as to what was good, bad and ugly about their upbringing.

Those precious children become adults that are able to express their opinions about their formative years. Sometimes it will come out flowery and specific like a mushy card picked from the display in the greeting card section. Eloquent, clearly stated and a joy to be received! Other times it will appear just as impassioned yet be in the form of words and actions that possess startling distaste for the job you did as mom. What does a real mother do with that situation? What does she do with her own feelings of disappointment in herself, as she looks back over the years of secret promises she sincerely expressed to provide more to her child than she had herself?

Yes, no matter what the socioeconomic situation, ethnicity, education, or past family dynamics each mom did make choices and changes in the lives of their child. However, because none of us is perfect, each of us has and will make mistakes. Imperfect and ill prepared are we. If you are a child that has decided your mom was not the real mother you needed and she falls very short of your standards for a mother, what have you done in spite of your perception to love her? How are you motivated to improve your life as an adult, to move closer to the mark you set for your mother? What have you done to love yourself despite the lack of protection and nurturing you desired as a child?  If you are a mother how are you reacting to a willful child you have attempted to give more than you had only to find you have come up short, how do you love yourself in your shortcomings? How do you love that child that has clearly brought to your attention that they are not pleased with your best efforts?

This Mother’s Day I ask you to take a look at your relationship with your mother as it relates to these verses in King James Version:

Exodus 20:12 — “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.”

Proverbs 23:22 – “Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.”

Matthew 19:19 – “Honour thy father and [thy] mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

These words were not haphazardly put into the Bible (our Maker’s Manual) to fill up the pages. No, God is purposeful. He knew that children would need to be reminded about how to treat their parents. Allow Him to guide you to be a loving child.

Take Inventory and Take Action. Whether your mother is deceased or alive, around the world or across the street in light of the scriptures and the questions above how are you treating your mother? Knowing that she is imperfect and ill equipped, as you are, how can you lovingly, in your heart create the love that a real mother, your real mother deserves? All that she is, all that she is not, does not negate her title of mother. Being angry because of what you did not get as a child holds you hostage in the past. Acknowledge the missteps she made, feel the hurt associated with those outcomes and MOVE ON!

Being stuck in the hurts of yesterday limits your enjoyment of the present and stifles your future! As you allow her to be human, you allow yourself and your children the same opportunity. Somehow even those that receive accolades as mother of the year have placed their feet in wet cement creating rougher roads for children in their care.

This Mother’s Day give your mom or someone else who has been there for you like a mother a free pass!! Allow them to feel unconditional love at least for one of the 365 days! The beauty of how God does things means that you will get a pass too!

Love,

Deborah

“Lighting the path to loving your neighbor as yourself.”